This post comes with a health warning. You might wish you hadn't read it. I certainly wish I didn't have the excuse to write it!
Some time ago at a convention, James said to me something along the lines of: 'you'd be a much better passer if you weren't so unfit'. Now I know James very well and I appreciate that it was part of his usual banter. I also agreed with him (although naturally I didn't let him know that at the time). My feeling was that it was an age thing. I thought as I get older I have to put more effort into maintaining the same level of fitness.
It turns out that the reason I am so unfit is that I'm unwell. Uk based people will know what I'm referring to if I say that I have been allocated a Macmillan nurse this week. Non uk based people: google is your friend.
The first thing I want to say is: James, please don't feel guilty for your comment, it was taken in the spirit that it was offered. Also at the time neither of us could have guessed what was to transpire.
The second thing I want to say is: James, please forgive me for sharing your comment so publicly. It helped me to express what I wanted to say with a certain narrative. I'm sorry!
So if you don't see me so often at workshops and conventions in the coming months I'll be busy fighting this. I hope some time next year something like normal service will be resumed - we'll see!
All the hugs in the world, and fingers crossed things go well for you. If there's anything we can do, just yell up.
i dont post much anymore online, but felt this was an appropiate time to say something.
get well soon Ade.
Thanks & well done for posting this. I know it can't have been easy. Get well soon.
Thanks for all the positive comments. They may seem trivial but they really help!
Some people have been surprised by my reaction to my predicament. I feel there's no point me sitting around feeling sorry for myself, that's not going to achieve anything. I need to be strong both mentally and physically to fight this. I know what's wrong with me and I've seen the pictures that confirm this. They're actually really interesting pictures. I just wish they weren't pictures of my body which are causing me such inconvenience. Despite this they are still fascinating.
The day after I was told I arranged to go for a drink with a friend. I sent him an email entitled 'oh shit!' In it I wrote something like: it turns out I haven't got a chest infection, so I'm not on antibiotics any more. I need a bloody drink! Now any one who knows me well will read significance into the appearance of that word bloody.
Clearly my subtle hints did nothing to prepare my mate Matt for the bomb I was about to drop on him. The news knocked him sideways. At the moment the most difficult thing for me is dealing with other people's reactions to my news. Anyway for ten minutes or so we sat there exchanging pretty glum conversation. As I mentioned before, I didn't go to the pub to spend the evening feeling sorry for myself. So I suggested we play a game of scrabble, but one with a gallows humour theme to it. I really took the theme seriously. I tried to play gallows humour on every turn, regardless of the score. Matt did enter into the spirit of it, but every so often his competitive urge got the better of him, so he won by a comfortable margin. There was a suggestion that there should be a gallows humour bonus of 20 points for each really good piece of gallows humour. I think if we had applied that system the score would have been much closer. I might have even won!
My favourite example of gallows humour was the seemingly innocuous word: radio. Matt attempted to play: cyto-. My immediate reaction was to be a stickler for the rules: 'that's a prefix'. However I thought it was such a good example of gallows humour that maybe I could let it pass. But Matt agreed with me and retracted it. I did allow him to offer an alternative without penalty. He came up with the very apt: cowl. A word which he later amended by adding the two letter word os at right angles to the front to create scowl. According to an online dictionary os means bone. I'm not sure if it features on the official scrabble list of two letter words. I sent a picture of the final board to my brother. He liked the word: gravy. Each to his own. Anyway it was a fun way to pass the evening. I have found that humour, however dark, is a useful coping mechanism. So do your worst!
I have been very disappointed to discover that modern technology has not made it to the MRI scanner suite (not in Sheffield anyway) and one can't yet have rotating 3D models of one's own insides.
I think it's perfectly acceptable (if you want) to ask people to have their doomy gloomy conversations in your absence as far as possible. I mean this kind of thing is always going to set people's brains going as they realise they are mortal themselves, but there's no reason you have to act impromptu therapist! If you are on beer drinking terms with any doctors, you may find they are refreshingly unsentimental on such subjects and can provide any amount of gallows humour should you require it.
Unrelatedly, surely "gravy" would be more suited to a game of mortality scrabble played by turkeys?
"I feel there's no point me sitting around feeling sorry for myself" I'm glad to hear it!
I can't remember where she first heard it but my mum is rather fond of this one:
"Only let cancer stop you doing the things it *truly* stops you from doing. Like combing your hair in the morning."
But then she's also said that it gets pretty tiring when people trot out stories about other people they know who are going through it... so yeah. Sorry about that :P
 or during which of the 4 times she's been round this loop in the last 10 years for that matter
I'm not sure if people will want to read this (you have been warned).
I have a small secondary tumour in my brain (among other places). This gives rise to a risk of fitting. As a result I am not allowed to drive for two years, and I can never drive a bus again. So this enforced layoff gives me the chance to plan for my next career :)
just look towards Mike Bridge for inspiration.
it must be at least ten yrs since he was given a yr to live
Mike is a gem.
I especially love that he took part in movember while having chemo. Dudes got style.
We need your brain - it keeps all of the passers in some room out of the way trying to work out if your ideas are possible! You'd better make sure that you get better or they'll be in our way again!
Take care matey, see you soon I hope.
So anyway Aidan, how's your contemporary dance piece coming along? Will it be ready for BJC?
If not, then I hope to see it later next year.
should suit Simon Cowl
Aidan that sucks balls, but at least it does explain your poor passing :)
I'll email you when I get back and we'll organise an alternative Wednesday meet for ill people, shoulder cripples and friends. Potentially involving board games and pizza.
All the best
Sorry to hear that. Hopefully by next summer you'll be back to fine form. My thoughts are with you.
All the best. Not much, but I have heard that knowing people are supporting you can help.
That really really sucks. Getting older, whilst having its advantages, generally sucks.
All the best. I am sure you will give it your best fight.
In the light of the amount of bad news in juggler-land in the last year or so, I am tempted to get some badges made up for everybody with "Fuck Entropy" on them or some similar sentiment.
I've just been pointed to https://eamonblunt.wordpress.com/ the story certainly looks familiar & contains all the gory details.
The pointer has also asked for no comments to be posted here.
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